New data suggests that openly discussing mental health is no longer a dating faux pas.
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When I first started dating after ending a long-term relationship, I kept the fact that I have an anxiety disorder to myself – at least for the first few dates. I saw it as privileged information that only trusted people were privy to. That was a decade ago. Somewhere around the 2016 United States Presidential election and the advent of folks hoarding toilet paper during “unprecedented times” all pretenses fell away.
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My mental health journey is now something I place front and centre in initial dating conversations. In part, I use it as a litmus test for prospective partners (do they bristle when I mention that I take medication every morning?) Mostly though, I just want people to know who I truly am and what I value in myself, and others. A desire and willingness to look after oneself and prioritize mental health is a huge part of this.
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My experience isn’t unique. New data suggests that openly discussing mental health is no longer a dating faux pas.
In a recent survey, Bumble found that a majority (55%) of Canadians surveyed shared they are comfortable talking about mental health on a first date and nearly half of respondents (45%) shared the same about therapy.
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Over the past few years of the pandemic, we’ve been forced to reckon with our mental health. It’s therefore, no surprise that Canadians are also putting mental wellness at the forefront of their relationships as well. “In fact, according to Bumble’s latest survey, one of the most important factors that Canadian respondents take into consideration when connecting with potential romantic partners is whether or not they prioritize self-care and mental health,” says Shan Boodram Bumble’s sex and relationships expert.
Dating can be a lot of fun, but it can also be incredibly challenging at times. The importance of caring for your mental wellbeing cannot be overstated. As Boodram explains, “our mental health influences how we think, feel, and behave. It also affects our ability to cope with stress, overcome challenges, and build healthy relationships. In this sense, putting yourself first when dating is not only recommended but necessary. We cannot share with others a resource that we lack – it’s all about loving and caring for ourselves before loving others.”
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However, if you’re not used to bringing up the topic of mental health with the people you date, these kinds of conversations can feel sticky.
If you need some help easing into the topic, Boodram suggests bringing up something news or pop-culture related. “For example, you could ask if they’ve watched the latest season of Ted Lasso, where the main character struggles with mental health issues. You’ll learn a lot about your date by noticing the way they respond or react in these conversations!”
Boodram says you can also take a very straightforward approach. She suggests saying something like, “I have therapy today,” and giving the person space to ask any follow-up questions.
But what if dating is the thing that’s harming your mental health?
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“Taking care of yourself is really a must for any healthy relationship,” says Boodram. She encourages people to double down on self-care while dating. This starts by being honest with yourself and the people you date about your emotional needs and boundaries. If a certain behaviour or kind of dating interaction doesn’t feel good to you, let the other person know. “Setting boundaries also means communicating to others what they are, instead of just expecting them to assume what we do and don’t need out of a relationship,” she says.
When dating, it’s easy to put a lot of pressure on yourself. It’s why Boodram encourages people to pace themselves. Resist the urge to overextend yourself socially and instead, set aside time throughout the week to rest and recharge. “Not only can prioritizing your emotional and mental well-being preempt burnout, but it can also set you up for a more successful dating journey in the long run,” says Boodram, adding, “by valuing yourself, you are subconsciously requesting that others do the same.”
Lastly, Boodram encourages people to discuss their mental health journey sooner rather than later. “Being open from the outset saves you from the stressful situation of having to hide a part of yourself while navigating a new relationship,” she says.
My instinct to use my mental health condition as a litmus test for potential partners isn’t wrong. While sharing details about your mental health can feel daunting, “it is better to know early on if someone is supportive and willing to be part of your journey,” says Boodram.
Simone Paget: Canadian daters are prioritizing mental health - The Province
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